Renovations

 I've decided to update my blog.  I may not be the mom of a handful of wee-ones anymore.  But there are a couple of things that I most definitely still am:  a mom of a handful of absolutely amazing children and a child of God with a heart full of the joy He brings me through these five incredible blessings.

So this is a warning that my topics may be refocused, just as my very life has been.  There have been so many adjustments over the last two years.  Simply put, life as I knew it changed.  I now no longer live in Georgia, or New Jersey, or even in Texas, but have come to land in Florida.  I no longer solely homeschool, but now have one in college, two in private high school, one in private middle school, and one schooling at home with me.  We moved into a house, moved out to completely renovate the house, and then moved back in to make it our home.  All of these and so many more changes have stretched me in ways that I don't even know how to express. Not only has it been a transition of place, environment, culture, people, home, and church but a complete renovating of who I am as a mother.

Thus, the blog will renovate with me.  I plan to share how being a mom of teenagers and preteens and a little lady brings about so many unexpected challenges but also so many overwhelming blessings.  I'm not exactly sure what that will look like or what I'll be allowed to say and share, as certain individuals are now old enough to read my posts, but somehow I hope that through writing I will remind myself, and anyone else out there floundering in a sea of transition, just how our Father treasures and teaches through all of this beautiful chaos.

Me? Chill?!?!

After sending these photos of my day to a certain sibling of mine, a text showed up on my phone asking how I can be “so chill” as a parent.  I seriously thought the message had been sent to the wrong person.  I had to take a few minutes to let that observation of me and my parenting sink in.  Chill???  Who? Me?!?!  

I’m the mom who is constantly saying, “Be careful!” “Watch out!” “I don’t think that’s a good idea!”  I am the mom whom my kids claim is the most strict in the entire state of Florida.  Aren’t I the one who still checks every single night to make sure each and every one of them is still breathing?!  

But then I saw myself and how much I’ve actually eased.  I’m now the mom who lets her kids walk through the neighborhood alone, allows them to bike distances exploring their new town,  and encourages them to cook yummy dinners and delicious desserts all on their own.  Man, sometimes I even ask my girl to DRIVE! I’ve become the mom I used to look at wide-eyed and jaw-dropped thinking there's no way I'll ever be able to let mine grow up like that.

Suddenly it hit me...I haven't really changed; I’m doing the very same thing I have always done.  As parents, we teach our kids through baby steps. We may teach them to eat, to crawl, to walk, to ride a bike...all the while watching them like a hawk, showing them the parameters for them to do it safely, and then letting them go...watching them learn, master, and glow all on their own, with us gushing about their accomplishments and gently nudging them a little further each time.  It's just that now my kids are mastering different skills...how to be responsible, independent, cautious, beautiful young adults.  I’m still doing the overly cautious parenting thing, shouting my warnings as they walk out the door, checking to make sure they arrived safely, but I’m doing it on a whole new crazy level.  And every step of the way, I'm singing their praises, telling them what a great job they're doing, but also trying to easily lean them into trying again in a slightly more thought out way.

And so, to my sibling who totally boosted my ego, and to all the mamas and papas feeling overwhelmed, and to myself when tomorrow I'm back to pulling my hair out and trying to catch my breath, remember to take it one moment at a time, baby steps.  When you lie in bed each night, utterly exhausted from chasing around your lovelies (whether they be toddlers or teens), reflect on all of the things you did right and those things you should try to do better tomorrow, marvel that somehow those kiddos who've been entrusted to you lived through another day, and thank God for blessing you with your heart full of your handful.

Seriously...What In The World?!

What in the world is going on, y'all?! This world is a different place than it was a year ago, a month ago, and even just yesterday!  This whole thing can be totally intimidating and downright terrifying to a person.  I look at these five kiddos looking back at me with their big puppy dog eyes asking all innocent-like, "What's the plan for tomorrow?"  and sometimes I just bluntly want to say, "What do you think the plan is? The same old thing it's been for the last 24 days!"  But how depressing is that?!

One of my girls told me the other day that she honestly believes I'm loving this.  I was floored!  How on earth could I be loving being stuck home all day every day?  But then, it hit me...I'm kind of loving this...kind of hating this....if I'm completely honest, it's a love/hate thing I've got going on. 

It hasn't been easy trying to keep everyone entertained, schooled, fed, or even sane for that matter.  These kids seem to think they need to eat meals every day and then graze all of the hours in between.  They want to play electronics 24/7 (and shhh! so do I).  Believe it or not, even homeschooling has taken on a different feel.

One of the most trying things about this time is that there are so many unknowns.  We don't know when this quarantine will be lifted or if it will be reinstated down the road.  We don't know the exacts of how this virus is spreading or even exhibiting itself with different carriers and patients.  We don't know how our economy will be effected or how life will change because of this.  I feel like we've been living in this realm of "IF."  If camp is still going to happen, if the roads between states don't get closed,  if no one in our family gets it...if, if, if.

And so I'm learning in a whole new way, I am still not in control.  I don't know what the future will bring.  I have no clue of what answers to give my kids on more than half of their questions.  However, I'm also learning in a whole new beautiful way, that God is absolutely in control.

He knows what's going on.  He knows what's going to happen through this and after this.  In all of those humongous situations throughout history, He was right there...knowing, loving, and blessing.  We are seriously living in this unbelievable point of history right here, right now!!!  He knows how our lives and the lives of our children will be changed by this experience.  He knows how our hearts will be shaped by the unique fears and hopes that we are dealing with right now.  He can use the terrors and disappointments to show us the things we weren't noticing before...the things that were right in front of our eyes but we were too busy to slow down and enjoy.

It's okay to be scared, as long as we're searching for Him through the fear.  It's okay to mourn, as long as we're reaching out for His hand to comfort.  It's perfectly fine to question why, as long as we keep on believing and trusting that He knows that answer.  It may not be the answer we're hoping and praying for, but He's got us.  We know that!  We know He loves!

So when my kids ask me once again tonight what another tomorrow of quarantine will hold for us, I'm going to say....actually, who knows what I'm going to say (ha, ha!).  What I do know is that I'll hug them tight and remind them that I love them madly and that we are all in this together with the Lord as our shepherd. No matter how the world changes, those two things are constant.

Can You Hear Me Now?

In the last few months, I've been going a lot of different directions.  In all of the chaos and transitions of moving, I may or may not have been a bit of a distracted listener.  I still listened, I still heard, but I multi-tasked.  Life was happening. 

I thought I was doing pretty good until the other day the kids were telling me something and I was absolutely shocked.  They all looked at me with expressions of "Oh, brother!"  Finally one said, "Mom, we told you this.  You even answered and said...."  What in the world?! Am I losing my mind?  I've been claiming pregnancy brain for my forgetfulness for quite a while now, but that ship sailed away going on 5 years ago. Haha!  Maybe I just wasn't attending when they had told me the last time.

I decided right then and there on the spot, that my listening skills simply must change!  When they talk, I will listen.  When they share, I'm diving in fully.  When they ramble, I may usher them along with speed-it-along questions, but I am definitely going to hear with both ears.  It's a bit time consuming, to be quite honest.  While one is pouring out their heart, four others are in line awaiting, chores are piling up, texts and timers are being ignored, and life is going on.  BUT I'm listening!

Have you ever been talking to someone while they are looking at their phone, or saying "uh-huh" mindlessly?  Simply put...t's heartbreaking.  Sure they may be listening and wanting you to talk, but in all seriousness, doesn't it totally feel like there is something much more pressing and urgent than anything you have to share?  Doesn't it make you and what you are sharing seem trivial and insignificant?!  Those kids are so exceptionally important to me; may I never be the cause of them feeling that way! Sure life is busy, but if they want me to hear something then I absolutely want to hear it...exactly when they need me to!

One of the things I love about prayer is that it happens exactly when you need it.  God totally hears and encourages you to tell Him everything on your heart.  He's not saying only do it at meals.  Or hold that thought til right before bed.  He's saying, tell me everything....always.  What a comfort to know that my thoughts, my feelings, my daily happenings, my concerns, my thanksgivings, my fears, my sorrows....my everything is important and urgent to Him.

I want to be that kind of parent.  I want them to know that I want to know everything.  I want them to feel like no matter how mundane or important, I am waiting to hear and anxious for them to share. I hope when something stupendously joyful happens to them, they immediately think,
"Just wait til I tell mom."  And I hope one of the first things they feel when they are in trouble or in a tight spot is not I hope mom doesn't find out, but "I totally need to tell my mom."

Life is too short to let all those other distractions take precedent.  Open my ears, Lord, so I can hear.

Learning to Momma from the Sidelines

Being a mom is one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs out there.  It's one of those positions where attention to detail and nuance catered to each individual personality and circumstance is so intricately demanded.  But if you had to boil it down to a one liner, it's basically keeping your kids safe and training them towards heaven.

I've had my fair share of raising littles.  There were years of youthfulness, running the marathon of motherhood...up before dawn, chasing, protecting, wiping tears, saving them from catastrophes, tickling, giggling, and comforting with momma kisses.  My poor first was my guinea pig, as I learned what motherhood was all about.  My poor last is the caboose, as I know she'll survive when raised by our tribe and not have me doting on her every second; this time around I didn't even read the manual on how to bathe a baby properly.

Now, I'm on to the next realm of raising teenagers.  This is new uncharted territory for me.  Once again, I'm learning as I go, reading what I can to advise me and listening to the wisdom of those brave souls who have forged this path before me.  This go round is a little different.  I'm learning I can't fix everything and am having to play a new role...one from the sidelines.

This is the part where I see if what I taught them has stuck.  I get to witness if they'll remember my constant reminders in the back of their heads as they go out on their own and make their own decisions.  I get to see if they apply those morals I trained into them when they are asked on the spur of the moment to make their own decisions.  I get to sit by in awe and see the wonders of their personalities take shape and go mingle in this world...to watch in amazement as they have their own influence on others and make their own marks.

This is also the part where I can't fix everything with a momma kiss and bandaid.  I can't always pick them up, dust them off, and tell them everything will be just fine, because often now, the things they are beginning to face are not always that simple. I can't rush them to the bone specialist to mend their broken hearts.  I can't fix their insomnia with a song and blanket, or kiss their booboo to heal a broken friendship.  I can't force them to be friendly or make them be who I want them to be.

This is the part where I learn to simply be there for them and prod them along.  I get the privilege of seeing them shine, but also the task of teaching them to shine brighter.  I get the honor of watching them grow brave and venture out, but also the challenge of creating parameters for them to do it safely and beautifully.  It's my responsibility to nudge them from the nest and give them more independence, but also to protect them from going too far, too soon.

And so, right along side of them, I'm learning.  I'm learning to be the ear that is always available, whether it be in the middle of the night or smack dab in the middle of making dinner.  I'm striving to be the voice that encourages, uplifts, praises, and guides them towards goodness.  I'm cheering them on to be the stunning people God plans for them to be and to use those astounding talents He has blessed them with.  And I'm also learning that one of the most important places for me to be is right down on my knees, talking to the Lord and Father of us all who knows this territory all too well.

No matter what the age or what the situation my littles and my bigs face, I know He knows.  And I pray that with a hug and a loving heart I can show them that He is the best solution to anything they face.

And y'all.....remind me of this post when I'm having one of my momma freak outs, k?!

Not Yet...Learning to Wait on the Lord

My life has been one of organization, planning, and checking off to-do lists.... until this summer.

The summer of 2019 was a doozy in every imaginable way.  We traveled on trips which took up the time for tasks of summer.  We lost a dear friend which took pieces of our hearts.  We found out we're moving which has taken everything normal and thrown it up in the air.

Although, I long to put this summer far behind me and move on to the next step, for whatever reason God has said, "Not yet."  Our house sale fell through...not moving yet.  Our new house purchase was delayed...not buying yet.   Our grieving hearts were ready to heal...sadly, sigh...ouch! not yet.

And so I kneel, I bow, and I ask WHY?

In an age when everything is instant gratification, why can't we move forward?  We can order a product and have it delivered the next day.  We can be hungry for a meal and have it microwaved and ready in 1minute flat.  We can stick in a k-pod and have a lovely cup of joe in just seconds.  Even in teaching my kiddos, I know that if we put in the work and the time, it's totally gonna happen.  So why delay?  Why not move forward?  Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing?

I read all these verses below about waiting on the Lord and being patient.  I see He says He'll renew our strength, He'll give our hearts' courage.  But still IT IS HARD!!!

So then I think of it from a parent's perspective...when I tell my kids to wait, why am I doing that?  Usually, it's because I know the timing isn't right.  I know that it'll be so much more rewarding if the situation were just slightly different.   From something as simple as waiting to watch the movie until you've finished reading the book....you'll enjoy it SO much more!  To something as sensible as waiting to get your license until you are confident and ready and legal...haha!  Maybe even something as clinical as waiting to take that medicine because the timing isn't right and it would do more harm than good.  Or something as emotional as waiting on love, it will be so worth it when it's right and good.

And so I wait, not just because I have to, but because I'm trusting Him with my whole life knowing He knows so much better than I do.  I close my eyes, breathe, and trust that He knows what He's doing.  I step back from the rush and the angst and let God.  He's got this!  I don't need to be in control this time.  I don't need to know exactly what step is coming next if I believe He knows it and is the one in control.  May my heart push aside the unrest and may He fill up the rest.  And may y'all pray for me, cause I'm a little impatient. ;-)


But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.  (Isa. 40:31)

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psm. 27:14)

Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. (Jms. 5:7-8)

I didn’t know....But God did!

Five years ago the Lord added to our family. Yes, we found out darling number five was on her way, but what we didn’t know at that time was that God had two other family members He was gifting us.  Olin and Angela Hudson joined our congregation, our family, and changed our lives forever.

What I didn’t know when they arrived was that my family and I desperately needed them. I didn’t realize at the time that they would become adopted grandparents to all of my children. I didn’t fathom that they would become confidantes and closest friends.  I had no clue...but God did.  He saw our need.  He saw the encouragement and the strength we desired before we even acknowledged it.  He saw how our hearts needed stretching and picked the perfect ones. God looked down on this little family in Texas and hand picked them, For our Father knew our need before we even asked Him (Matthew 6:8).

I praise God for supplying our need through His riches in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19) .  I thank God for the gift we found in His precious servants, the Hudsons.

Now today, my heart weeps with the loss of Olin from our physical lives. I do not know what to pray, what to express! May He hear these groanings too deep for words (Rom. 8:26).

What I don’t know now is why.  Doesn’t He know we needed him?  I cannot fathom the impact this loss will have on our hearts forever.  I do not understand how we will be able to continue without being able to confide and be with our precious friend.  I have no clue!!!

But God does!

He knows our need. God sees our broken hearts and knows exactly what we need even before we do.
Dear Lord, give us courage to trust you.  Give us faith to be confident you will supply.
Father, thank you for a hero who fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith.  Thank you for letting us know and love Olin, a man who walked with you. Praise be to God for sharing him with us.  Praise God we will meet again and never, ever have to say goodbye.