Such a copy cat!

 

I never understood why my kids got so frustrated when a younger sibling would copy them.  How many times did I hear their moanings of “She’s such a copy cat!!!!”  I mean, haven’t we all heard how imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?  I loved it when my kids were in the stages of imitating me, copying my mannerisms, using my expressions, pretending to be a mommy. Seeing them follow in my footsteps was such a compliment and a major responsibility.  Sure I fell short so much more often than I would have liked, but as a parent I embraced their imitation. I took advantage of it to set high expectations, teaching them manners, kindness, and love.  I wanted them to imitate me as I imitated Christ.  When they were little this was easy for me to understand what it should look like. It was seen simply by watching them share their toys, letting someone else go first, meeting the new kid, using please and thank you.  

But now my littles have turned into bigs and the clarity on that imitation of me is not so transparent.  In most cases, they’ve entirely taken out copying me, the middle man. Now they have their own beautiful personalities. Now they express their thoughts and ideas in unique ways…ways not necessarily like mine. At first, the momming side of me worried….they weren’t reflecting what I taught them the way I taught them.  But as they’ve grown and matured, I’ve been in awe. I’ve watched the transformation of them applying the imitation of Christ directly as they should. They have made their following and imitation uniquely their own. They have listened to instruction, learned from fellow Christians, and now are acting as they believe He would have them do.  I’ve witnessed exactly what is described in scripture as us the many being one body with many different parts; they definitely aren’t all going to be the same part as me. I’m admiring and learning as they develop their unique talents and methods, using the individual gifts God has given them to reflect and shine his light. 

I still take joy in the little ways I see myself in them, but I rejoice that as I watch them, I see more clearly the love of Christ and how He works in all of us uniquely.  Watching them walk in his footsteps is priceless! May God continue to use us parents, maybe not so much in the spotlight with our every move copy catted anymore, but in encouraging and imitating Him right along side our children, our brothers, and sisters. 

Ready or Not…

Recently I read an article on a brave Ukrainian woman who was sitting on her patio, minding her own business, when suddenly she spotted a war drone coming up next to her.  Looking around, she took up the only thing she had available and pelted a jar of canned tomatoes right at the drone, knocking it into an unplanned orbit and clean out of the sky. Who knows how many lives she saved in that moment, all because she had the courage and used what she was given.

The legend of this unnamed “jarred hero” reminded me of so many other strong women of the Bible who saw a need and stepped up with whatever they had on hand.  

-Jael, using a tent peg to deliver a nation

-Esther and Abigail using food to “butter up” kings and protect their people

-Rahab using a rope to save her household from a coming destruction

-A sinner using her tears and hair to show her love for Christ

Although we live in the 21st century and equal rights is a constant hot topic, I still often hear submissive women of the church belittling their ability to contribute to the kingdom, with comments about bench warming, more time in the nursery than participating, or “only” teaching children.  Sweet sisters, we are precious in His eyes!  Look around and see what He’s equipped us with, because He has given us each something…whether it be children to raise, food to prepare, ears to listen and shoulders to cry on, or even a jar of canned tomatoes!   There is so much that we can do that no one else can.  We are exactly where we are because He needs us there on that unique path.  We just need to be ready, look around, and use the gifts He’s put here with us. Y’all!!! Please keep nudging me and reminding me of this very thing. It’s so easy to get lost in the busyness and forget what it’s really all about.  I pray for strength, courage, and the awareness to grab what He’s given me and do what I can.

P.S. Thank you to all who have recently reminded me for everything there is a season, staying back with the baggage is just as valuable as being on the front lines, and God prepares us in His own exceptional way. Thank God you’re in my life.

PPS. And a special shout out to a darling sis who had plenty of jars of canned tomatoes to help a girl out.

Living on the Fringe

Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in a billion different directions?  I remember those days when I had 5 littles literally hanging from my arms and legs needing my attention. Now days, they still do, but in different ways....play with me, help me with math, come see what I can do with this ball, I need a ride, can I borrow your credit card, etc., etc.  Don't get me wrong, I love being needed!  I just wish I had the power to be all that they needed, all of the time.  

Isn't the way children need their mother just how we're supposed to be needing Jesus?  We may think we've got it on our own, but each of us is just stumbling along, facing our own individual trials and challenges, needing to touch the fringe of His garment.

Today I'm reminded of Jesus getting off the boat with people of all sorts waiting for Him and all wanting different things...the rulers, the poverty stricken, the sick....wanting to catch Him, wanting to be taught, wanting to be healed.  All of the crowd were just hovering, following, eager for how Jesus could help them.  Then there's that one desperate woman, the one who has been doing all she knows how to do on her own for twelve long painful years.  She's used up all of her money.  She's cried all of her tears.  She's been outcast and alone. Then she hears of a Savior and BELIEVES, knowing that she can't do this life anymore on her own.  She pushes past the throng, everyone shrinking away from her uncleanness, uncomfortable with who she is, wanting no part.  She pushes back the fear of more rejection.  She reaches out her desperate hand...and touches the fringe.

What happens next is what makes this such a beautiful story.  Jesus doesn't just casually acknowledge her.  He doesn't just keep walking.  He stops.  He finds her.  And he listens to her "whole story."  He lets the others wait.  He will get to them.  Right then, she needed him and He shows her that He truly cares.

Why is it that I forget this? Why do I think maybe He's too busy or maybe He hears but He's just not that interested?  In scripture, Jesus over and over again says and demonstrates that He truly cares.  In my life, He's done the same thing. He shows me over and over again just how much He loves me.

May my children know that no matter how busy life is, how much I'm needed here and there, I've got them and I always and forever want to listen.  I truly love and care.  And may being a mom to these precious ones remind me that if I keep that faith in Him that no matter how alone, how scared, how desperate I feel that I can push past all that extra stuff in the way and reach out to the fringe of His garment.  He truly cares, loves, and anxiously wants to listen.

I Fell in the Water They Walked On

Have you ever seen other parents doing everything right? They have the answers. They have the well behaved kids to prove they know what they’re doing. They have the smiles and encouragements. And then you see yourself, a big hot mess of fumbles just smiling along trying your best.  I feel like they’re walking on water, and I’m down here doing the backstroke.

In the Old Testament there’s this king named Rehoboam who was given advice by the elders, but instead he consulted his inexperienced peers and all sorts of bad consequences followed.  I’ve often thought of him on my parenting journey. In one ear, I’ve got these older examples and friends leading and advising how to do this parenting thing and then in my other ear I’ve got this world of social media and propaganda blaring that I’ve got it all wrong.

  I’ve seen a lot of parents doing their thing, crossing those bridges before I get to them.  I’ve witnessed them letting go as their children age out of the house.  I’ve heard them discuss and advise their children as they face new challenges.  I’ve talked with them, asked questions, and listened to the wisdom they’ve gleaned from running the track before me. They don’t all do it the same, but most of the ones I know are doing it beautifully, even though they themselves would say they’re just getting by, winging it.

I’ve also heard and read so much advice and recommendations from articles, online reading, and various sources of news.  It’s not in line with what I’m seeing play out in real life. It’s telling me to let go of my kids and let them live how they want. It’s advising me not to advise them.  It’s warning against discipline and instruction. It’s guilting me into believing that rules, parameters, and parenting really are just limiting children, and taking away their freedoms and happiness.

Who do I listen to? Which team is right? Boy, do I wrestle with each obstacle that arises.  So I do what any logical person would do when under pressure to make tough decisions….I drink a coffee. 😂

In seriousness though, I look at the results…the kids being raised. I see my friends, who have held the line, kept the rules, stayed down on their knees in prayer daily and their children are BEAUTIFUL; they’ve actually grown into well rounded breathtakingly bright and gracious adults.  They're the kind of people you want to be around more…the kind you want your kids to look up to and be like.  Sadly, I’ve witnessed the opposite, too; either parents let loose of the reigns too early or the children just decided to jump the fence and go their own way. Whatever the case, I want to heed the elders’ advice and keep with it, no matter how hard that may be. I want my children to be like Jesus and better this world for Him. In the end, it’s their choice how to live, but you better believe I’m going to try my best to give them a fighting chance and a strong foundation.

I try to walk on water like my friends seem to be doing, making good decisions, parenting in love and patience, but I’ll be honest, I keep slipping in.  I make mistakes, but I keep getting back up again.   I’m so thankful for friends and family who grab my hand and pull me back up, remind me why I’m doing this, remind me to keep my eyes on Christ, help me see His way is best for myself and for my kids. May we all keep our heads above water and our eyes on the one who has all of the answers. Thankfully, He is loyal and gracious. He’s got us, and together we’ve got them.

Remembering

I’ve moved around a lot. Four times before college, then the moves during college, and THEN seven times since marriage (nine if you count moving during renovations, and believe you me, I most definitely count those:-). That’s a lot of places.  That’s a whole lot of people coming in and out of my life. Some have stuck around, kept in touch, still reach out. Some have slowly stepped into the background but still are very much present in my heart. All have affected me in some way.

Looking back, I see such value in those God chose to bring into my life, all for a certain time, a certain reason. I may not be the best at keeping in touch but that doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely treasure those friendships and memories. 

Today, I remember. I remember great joy and laughter. I remember heartache and tears.  I reminisce on conversations and outings.  I think of how we planned, carried out, reflected back, and prayed forward. 

 So many women gave me foundation, teaching me with their words, their parenting, their wrestlings and victories.  They all taught me, whether they knew it or not. I watched. I listened. I learned. And now, I remember them. Thank you!

So many children gave me inspiration, supposedly being taught by me, but doing a great deal of teaching themselves. They loved openly, fully, felt their feelings and let me feel right along with them. How I treasure all those littles and bigs that I’ve been graced to know. How I pray they know how important and loved they are even now. Thank you!

I don’t know what old acquaintances will come back into my life (in this fairytale land of Florida College, I’m sure its more than I ever expected) and what new ones are waiting in the balance about to enter the stage, but I’m so thankful for each one and the part they play in this life of mine.  I’m thankful for the way they helped me and my children grow. I’m thankful for the ways they’ll continue to bring me closer to my life goal of heaven.

Today I remember because my heart misses.  I miss those who live far away; how I wish I could pull them close. I miss those who I’ll not see again because of distance or circumstances.  And oh how I miss terribly the ones who have passed on before me.  Losing a loved one in death is so much more difficult than losing them in a move. We can say it’s similar for we’ll see them again someday on the other side. But we know it is different. They’re not waiting for a text or email.  We’re not getting that Christmas card or phone call. That part hurts like mad. Thankfully, God grants us an amazing gift if we let Him, a memory to feel the love…to remember that touch, that laugh, that meal we ate together, that field trip we took, that craft we decorated, that inside joke we cracked up about, that hug that held my heart and never let go.  Today I reflect on those good times and hold them close in my heart.  I miss. I love. I remember.

Knocking the Air Out

 Have you ever been going along having your day when one person comes along and with one quick conversation just casually knocks the air right out of you? Perhaps they’re having a bad day and can’t keep it to themselves. Perhaps they don’t realize they affect you more than they do. Whatever the reason, words can hurt.  How do you rise above that? How do you take a deep breath and move on without obsessing and being down? I don’t have that answer; I know with prayer and patience and counting blessings you’re off to a good start. But an even more important question is how do you make sure you don’t do that to someone else?  I want to make sure my words don’t punch someone in the gut. I want to know that after I cross someone’s path, I’ve actually been a blessing to them, boosting them up, that I haven’t been an obstacle that only brought them down. As a child, I had to memorize a verse that has stuck with me throughout my life, “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt.” My mom taught us to practice this with each other, even when the message we had to say wasn’t an uplifting one. We may have nothing nice to say, but if we need to say something, we better make sure it’s delivered with kindness. Whether I’m talking to an adult or to one of my own children, may I speak to them with respect and kindness. My behavior and words are not only a reflection of who I am, but also of Him who expects me to be reflecting His light.

The Strength of Siblings

 One of my most favorite gifts in life is that my parents were brave and bold enough to have five kids. I have the best siblings. They have been with me since as far back as I can remember. And even now, though many of us are states apart, they are still my support and joy.

Many thought me crazy,  but I was granted five beautiful kiddos of my own.  They bless me constantly and my heart is so full because of them. One of the very best things I absolutely love about having a big family is that my kiddos have life long friends automatically built in to their lives.

For years now, I have encouraged them to foster that relationship, to work through their battles, to rise above challenges and lean on each other. From minute to minute, they may be worst enemies or the best of friends. But through all the minutes, they have each other. And that is a pure gift from God!

Although I see them embracing it with Sister Brother Day celebrations, birthdays, holidays, and vacations, I now see them truly leaning on each other daily.  They share their secrets and give each other advice.  They tell each other things they need to say, but are hesitant to share with mom. There’s a piece of me that wants in on that.  Oh how I’d love to listen and hear all the things, but then I remember.  This is one of the gifts of having a sibling. My brother and sisters  are experts at it, and now my kids are becoming that to each other.

Sure we all have our differences and may never see eye to eye on everything, but thank God we have each other. Whether brothers and sisters by genetics or marriage, or by Christ, He uniquely made us with all our differences and similarities and we can compliment each other and be stronger together. Thank you to all the sisters and brothers God’s graciously put in my life who actively check in on me and help me through. I couldn’t do this life without you!

Things I Learned From Being My Son’s Crash-Test Goalie

 

Sometimes my son likes to go to the field and practice soccer. I see him out there kicking the ball with all his might, then chasing it down, and starting all over. Today I offered to be his goalie. Here are a few things I learned from the experience:

1. Whether I blocked the ball or not, he was thrilled I was playing. Just like with my girls in math, I may not be an expert, but I’m going to make myself available and work hard beside them to give them the support they need. I’ll search for the answer. I’ll ask an expert. I’ll throw myself in front of a speeding ball. Whatever it takes, my kids will know I’m there next to them, trying.

2. He’s got a powerful kick. The strength I see in that boy, both physically and emotionally, always impresses me.  Both on the field and off, he puts himself out there. He doesn’t let magnitude or intimidation deter him. He runs towards what is important to him in all aspects of his life. I want to have his fervor!

3. Flailing your hand out there in front of that 5000 mph ball is just plain foolish. I may see it coming. I may think I can, but unless I’ve got the right equipment, support behind me, and wisdom in the how-to, it’s only going to hurt.  I need to apply this to the obstacles spiraling at me, get myself equipped and ready, then make sure I’ve got the support to make a successful effort. This isn’t to say, don’t try….it’s saying, get ready becasue we all know those “balls” are coming.

4. Time and presence go miles to let him know I care for him. And frankly, I feel love the same way.  He thanks me for coming to his games, for taking him to practice, and for talking with him forever before bed. I know it matters to him, so it’s something we prioritize together. I know he’s a teen boy and that might not last, but as long as I can, I’m going to make it top of my list of to do’s.

5. Man! I love that boy!  God is so good to let us see Him in all the different ways. When I look at my kids, I see God’s grace and love. I see his wisdom and power.  I see that He is merciful to even me, and somehow put faith in the fact that with His help I could.  May He see my efforts and grant me wisdom in all he entrusted me. Momming these precious souls is such a beautiful intimidating and exhilarating responsibility. 

Unabashed Enthusiasm

 One of the things I absolutely treasure about my six year old  at this age is her unabashed enthusiasm for EVERYTHING!  We're going to Trader Joe's..."Yippee! That store is so fun! I can't wait to find the parrot!" or we play a game of Slap Jack..."Awesome! I rock this game!"  Even blowing bubbles is filled with hilarious contagious laughter as she and Obi jump and race to pop as many as they possibly can.  Often at the end of the day, she reports that this was the very best day, and wow! does that make every moment worth it to me.

My older ones and I still have joy and enthusiasm, but as folks grow older for some reason we tend to muffle it a bit more.  I've found that teens especially are guarded with showing this emotion  They may be cheering and doing cartwheels on the inside, but their outsides say "Cool!" and then go back to their screens.  They may be excited and counting down the days, but they'd never let on that they already have their outfit and hairstyle picked out and planned for the coming big event.  

Maybe this is why I still am so stinking excited about the Christmas holiday.  Even though my older ones are cool and collected about most things, each one still breaks out in a huge beautiful smile when they see their special ornament coming out of the box ready to go on the tree.  They still make certain that every Christmas painting from the past years is up on the wall.  They are already checking with me to make sure that I plan on buying Great Grandma's Bon Bon ingredients to make together like we do every year.  

I love their joy and enthusiasm!  I love their anticipation, their longing for special times together, and that glisten in their eyes.  It makes my heart smile to know that they feel the love that's been poured into all of those things across the years.  I truly treasure my time with them. They are so precious to me!

What Was That?

It is such a surreal adventure watching your littles suddenly become bigs.  The roller coaster of emotions and drama is a constant unexpected ride of laughter and tears over here.  One minute to the next is a whirlwind of guessing and learning to go with the flow.  As I have a house of teens now, I find myself puzzling over: What just happened?!  What did that even mean?! and What was that?

What was that facial expression?  Disgust, puzzlement, confusion, annoyance?!  I really don't want to misinterpret, but that was most definitely something!

What was that tone of voice?  Humor, sarcasm, disrespect, self-expression?  I know what I think it was, but did my hard of hearing ears hear exactly what I think I heard?

What was that silence? no response?  Maybe I wasn't heard; maybe I was, but there was no answer. Maybe there was a choice not to hear or even a choice not to respond?  And how do I deal with that...risk repeating? let it lie?  walk away?  address it head on?

What was that hug?  A need for closeness, a forced acknowledgement, an appreciation, a beautiful display of affection?  Whatever it was, you can bet I'll take it!

What was that long emotional retelling of events?  Asking for advice, just wanting to be heard, needing help, sharing in love?  No matter...Yes, Please! Bring it! Share always!

I may not know what is what.  I may interpret incorrectly.  I may not even respond in the best way at the time.  But you can betcha I am trying.  I am loving.  I am learning.  I am mothering.  But the main thing I'm doing is praying.  I'm just me...finite, fully devoted heart but never going to be all knowing.

So I beg the Good Lord for guidance.  He's the perfect parent who has the full heart and all the know hows.  He knows exactly what in the world that was.  He knows exactly what happened and why it happened.  He knows what is needed and what is best.  I'm so needy for His love, understanding, forgiveness, and guidance.  What a gift to have Him looking out for and loving me.

By His grace, I was given these five precious souls to raise.  I was chosen to be their momma.  I pray they'll have grace and patience with me.  I hope that someday they'll look back on all of the craziness
and thank God that they have me looking out for them and loving them to pieces.

Shut Doors and Text Messages

 Life is different with teens.  I totally expected it would be, and yet I TOTALLY didn't expect some of the surprises.  In referring to these unexpected changes, I shall kindly use the word "adjustments" because so many other words that come to mind just don't have quite the same gentle ring to them.  

One of the adjustments that took me by surprise was the shut door.  Sure, I remember being a teen and wanting my privacy, closing a door so I could hear myself think or listen to music not everyone else in my house was keen on listening to for the 15th time that day.  But shut doors are everywhere!  I walk upstairs to a shut bathroom door, shower running and an incredibly beautiful song being belted out behind it.  Down the hall is another shut door to a room recently emptied by my oldest moving to college (sniff, sniff...not even going to think about going there right now).   Next to it, there's another shut door with a nerf basketball swooshing the net and slamming the door over and over again.  And yet around the other way, a door closed with only the silence of deep studying going on behind it.  All of these doors are to be expected.  All of these shut doors are even necessary.  Privacy, independence, it's all part of life.  I know this.  But oh how my momma heart longs to find those doors occasionally open and beckoning me to come in.  Remember when they were little and didn't want the door shut?  Remember when they needed it open to know you were still there?

And then...my phone dings (or rather jams to Back in Black because I'm an adult and I can..haha) and they open a new unexpected door for me.  One needs help on math, or wonders where the clean towels went, another wants to know what time dinner is, can I pick them up, or even just says hey and sends a fun message.  Anyone care to guess what this does?  This busts my heart right open and makes me smile!  They reach out in their own way, and me as their lucky momma jumps all over that!  I will take the text door and use it to get right in there behind that other shut one. 

Because when it comes down to it, no matter how they reach out, they reach out.  Whether it be what I envisioned or not, I'm going to seize that moment and soak it in.  I pray God helps me not focus on the closed doors that feel like distance between and see the text message for the stretched out hand and heart that it is.

Renovations

 I've decided to update my blog.  I may not be the mom of a handful of wee-ones anymore.  But there are a couple of things that I most definitely still am:  a mom of a handful of absolutely amazing children and a child of God with a heart full of the joy He brings me through these five incredible blessings.

So this is a warning that my topics may be refocused, just as my very life has been.  There have been so many adjustments over the last two years.  Simply put, life as I knew it changed.  I now no longer live in Georgia, or New Jersey, or even in Texas, but have come to land in Florida.  I no longer solely homeschool, but now have one in college, two in private high school, one in private middle school, and one schooling at home with me.  We moved into a house, moved out to completely renovate the house, and then moved back in to make it our home.  All of these and so many more changes have stretched me in ways that I don't even know how to express. Not only has it been a transition of place, environment, culture, people, home, and church but a complete renovating of who I am as a mother.

Thus, the blog will renovate with me.  I plan to share how being a mom of teenagers and preteens and a little lady brings about so many unexpected challenges but also so many overwhelming blessings.  I'm not exactly sure what that will look like or what I'll be allowed to say and share, as certain individuals are now old enough to read my posts, but somehow I hope that through writing I will remind myself, and anyone else out there floundering in a sea of transition, just how our Father treasures and teaches through all of this beautiful chaos.

Me? Chill?!?!

After sending these photos of my day to a certain sibling of mine, a text showed up on my phone asking how I can be “so chill” as a parent.  I seriously thought the message had been sent to the wrong person.  I had to take a few minutes to let that observation of me and my parenting sink in.  Chill???  Who? Me?!?!  

I’m the mom who is constantly saying, “Be careful!” “Watch out!” “I don’t think that’s a good idea!”  I am the mom whom my kids claim is the most strict in the entire state of Florida.  Aren’t I the one who still checks every single night to make sure each and every one of them is still breathing?!  

But then I saw myself and how much I’ve actually eased.  I’m now the mom who lets her kids walk through the neighborhood alone, allows them to bike distances exploring their new town,  and encourages them to cook yummy dinners and delicious desserts all on their own.  Man, sometimes I even ask my girl to DRIVE! I’ve become the mom I used to look at wide-eyed and jaw-dropped thinking there's no way I'll ever be able to let mine grow up like that.

Suddenly it hit me...I haven't really changed; I’m doing the very same thing I have always done.  As parents, we teach our kids through baby steps. We may teach them to eat, to crawl, to walk, to ride a bike...all the while watching them like a hawk, showing them the parameters for them to do it safely, and then letting them go...watching them learn, master, and glow all on their own, with us gushing about their accomplishments and gently nudging them a little further each time.  It's just that now my kids are mastering different skills...how to be responsible, independent, cautious, beautiful young adults.  I’m still doing the overly cautious parenting thing, shouting my warnings as they walk out the door, checking to make sure they arrived safely, but I’m doing it on a whole new crazy level.  And every step of the way, I'm singing their praises, telling them what a great job they're doing, but also trying to easily lean them into trying again in a slightly more thought out way.

And so, to my sibling who totally boosted my ego, and to all the mamas and papas feeling overwhelmed, and to myself when tomorrow I'm back to pulling my hair out and trying to catch my breath, remember to take it one moment at a time, baby steps.  When you lie in bed each night, utterly exhausted from chasing around your lovelies (whether they be toddlers or teens), reflect on all of the things you did right and those things you should try to do better tomorrow, marvel that somehow those kiddos who've been entrusted to you lived through another day, and thank God for blessing you with your heart full of your handful.

Seriously...What In The World?!

What in the world is going on, y'all?! This world is a different place than it was a year ago, a month ago, and even just yesterday!  This whole thing can be totally intimidating and downright terrifying to a person.  I look at these five kiddos looking back at me with their big puppy dog eyes asking all innocent-like, "What's the plan for tomorrow?"  and sometimes I just bluntly want to say, "What do you think the plan is? The same old thing it's been for the last 24 days!"  But how depressing is that?!

One of my girls told me the other day that she honestly believes I'm loving this.  I was floored!  How on earth could I be loving being stuck home all day every day?  But then, it hit me...I'm kind of loving this...kind of hating this....if I'm completely honest, it's a love/hate thing I've got going on. 

It hasn't been easy trying to keep everyone entertained, schooled, fed, or even sane for that matter.  These kids seem to think they need to eat meals every day and then graze all of the hours in between.  They want to play electronics 24/7 (and shhh! so do I).  Believe it or not, even homeschooling has taken on a different feel.

One of the most trying things about this time is that there are so many unknowns.  We don't know when this quarantine will be lifted or if it will be reinstated down the road.  We don't know the exacts of how this virus is spreading or even exhibiting itself with different carriers and patients.  We don't know how our economy will be effected or how life will change because of this.  I feel like we've been living in this realm of "IF."  If camp is still going to happen, if the roads between states don't get closed,  if no one in our family gets it...if, if, if.

And so I'm learning in a whole new way, I am still not in control.  I don't know what the future will bring.  I have no clue of what answers to give my kids on more than half of their questions.  However, I'm also learning in a whole new beautiful way, that God is absolutely in control.

He knows what's going on.  He knows what's going to happen through this and after this.  In all of those humongous situations throughout history, He was right there...knowing, loving, and blessing.  We are seriously living in this unbelievable point of history right here, right now!!!  He knows how our lives and the lives of our children will be changed by this experience.  He knows how our hearts will be shaped by the unique fears and hopes that we are dealing with right now.  He can use the terrors and disappointments to show us the things we weren't noticing before...the things that were right in front of our eyes but we were too busy to slow down and enjoy.

It's okay to be scared, as long as we're searching for Him through the fear.  It's okay to mourn, as long as we're reaching out for His hand to comfort.  It's perfectly fine to question why, as long as we keep on believing and trusting that He knows that answer.  It may not be the answer we're hoping and praying for, but He's got us.  We know that!  We know He loves!

So when my kids ask me once again tonight what another tomorrow of quarantine will hold for us, I'm going to say....actually, who knows what I'm going to say (ha, ha!).  What I do know is that I'll hug them tight and remind them that I love them madly and that we are all in this together with the Lord as our shepherd. No matter how the world changes, those two things are constant.

Can You Hear Me Now?

In the last few months, I've been going a lot of different directions.  In all of the chaos and transitions of moving, I may or may not have been a bit of a distracted listener.  I still listened, I still heard, but I multi-tasked.  Life was happening. 

I thought I was doing pretty good until the other day the kids were telling me something and I was absolutely shocked.  They all looked at me with expressions of "Oh, brother!"  Finally one said, "Mom, we told you this.  You even answered and said...."  What in the world?! Am I losing my mind?  I've been claiming pregnancy brain for my forgetfulness for quite a while now, but that ship sailed away going on 5 years ago. Haha!  Maybe I just wasn't attending when they had told me the last time.

I decided right then and there on the spot, that my listening skills simply must change!  When they talk, I will listen.  When they share, I'm diving in fully.  When they ramble, I may usher them along with speed-it-along questions, but I am definitely going to hear with both ears.  It's a bit time consuming, to be quite honest.  While one is pouring out their heart, four others are in line awaiting, chores are piling up, texts and timers are being ignored, and life is going on.  BUT I'm listening!

Have you ever been talking to someone while they are looking at their phone, or saying "uh-huh" mindlessly?  Simply put...t's heartbreaking.  Sure they may be listening and wanting you to talk, but in all seriousness, doesn't it totally feel like there is something much more pressing and urgent than anything you have to share?  Doesn't it make you and what you are sharing seem trivial and insignificant?!  Those kids are so exceptionally important to me; may I never be the cause of them feeling that way! Sure life is busy, but if they want me to hear something then I absolutely want to hear it...exactly when they need me to!

One of the things I love about prayer is that it happens exactly when you need it.  God totally hears and encourages you to tell Him everything on your heart.  He's not saying only do it at meals.  Or hold that thought til right before bed.  He's saying, tell me everything....always.  What a comfort to know that my thoughts, my feelings, my daily happenings, my concerns, my thanksgivings, my fears, my sorrows....my everything is important and urgent to Him.

I want to be that kind of parent.  I want them to know that I want to know everything.  I want them to feel like no matter how mundane or important, I am waiting to hear and anxious for them to share. I hope when something stupendously joyful happens to them, they immediately think,
"Just wait til I tell mom."  And I hope one of the first things they feel when they are in trouble or in a tight spot is not I hope mom doesn't find out, but "I totally need to tell my mom."

Life is too short to let all those other distractions take precedent.  Open my ears, Lord, so I can hear.

Learning to Momma from the Sidelines

Being a mom is one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs out there.  It's one of those positions where attention to detail and nuance catered to each individual personality and circumstance is so intricately demanded.  But if you had to boil it down to a one liner, it's basically keeping your kids safe and training them towards heaven.

I've had my fair share of raising littles.  There were years of youthfulness, running the marathon of motherhood...up before dawn, chasing, protecting, wiping tears, saving them from catastrophes, tickling, giggling, and comforting with momma kisses.  My poor first was my guinea pig, as I learned what motherhood was all about.  My poor last is the caboose, as I know she'll survive when raised by our tribe and not have me doting on her every second; this time around I didn't even read the manual on how to bathe a baby properly.

Now, I'm on to the next realm of raising teenagers.  This is new uncharted territory for me.  Once again, I'm learning as I go, reading what I can to advise me and listening to the wisdom of those brave souls who have forged this path before me.  This go round is a little different.  I'm learning I can't fix everything and am having to play a new role...one from the sidelines.

This is the part where I see if what I taught them has stuck.  I get to witness if they'll remember my constant reminders in the back of their heads as they go out on their own and make their own decisions.  I get to see if they apply those morals I trained into them when they are asked on the spur of the moment to make their own decisions.  I get to sit by in awe and see the wonders of their personalities take shape and go mingle in this world...to watch in amazement as they have their own influence on others and make their own marks.

This is also the part where I can't fix everything with a momma kiss and bandaid.  I can't always pick them up, dust them off, and tell them everything will be just fine, because often now, the things they are beginning to face are not always that simple. I can't rush them to the bone specialist to mend their broken hearts.  I can't fix their insomnia with a song and blanket, or kiss their booboo to heal a broken friendship.  I can't force them to be friendly or make them be who I want them to be.

This is the part where I learn to simply be there for them and prod them along.  I get the privilege of seeing them shine, but also the task of teaching them to shine brighter.  I get the honor of watching them grow brave and venture out, but also the challenge of creating parameters for them to do it safely and beautifully.  It's my responsibility to nudge them from the nest and give them more independence, but also to protect them from going too far, too soon.

And so, right along side of them, I'm learning.  I'm learning to be the ear that is always available, whether it be in the middle of the night or smack dab in the middle of making dinner.  I'm striving to be the voice that encourages, uplifts, praises, and guides them towards goodness.  I'm cheering them on to be the stunning people God plans for them to be and to use those astounding talents He has blessed them with.  And I'm also learning that one of the most important places for me to be is right down on my knees, talking to the Lord and Father of us all who knows this territory all too well.

No matter what the age or what the situation my littles and my bigs face, I know He knows.  And I pray that with a hug and a loving heart I can show them that He is the best solution to anything they face.

And y'all.....remind me of this post when I'm having one of my momma freak outs, k?!

Not Yet...Learning to Wait on the Lord

My life has been one of organization, planning, and checking off to-do lists.... until this summer.

The summer of 2019 was a doozy in every imaginable way.  We traveled on trips which took up the time for tasks of summer.  We lost a dear friend which took pieces of our hearts.  We found out we're moving which has taken everything normal and thrown it up in the air.

Although, I long to put this summer far behind me and move on to the next step, for whatever reason God has said, "Not yet."  Our house sale fell through...not moving yet.  Our new house purchase was delayed...not buying yet.   Our grieving hearts were ready to heal...sadly, sigh...ouch! not yet.

And so I kneel, I bow, and I ask WHY?

In an age when everything is instant gratification, why can't we move forward?  We can order a product and have it delivered the next day.  We can be hungry for a meal and have it microwaved and ready in 1minute flat.  We can stick in a k-pod and have a lovely cup of joe in just seconds.  Even in teaching my kiddos, I know that if we put in the work and the time, it's totally gonna happen.  So why delay?  Why not move forward?  Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing?

I read all these verses below about waiting on the Lord and being patient.  I see He says He'll renew our strength, He'll give our hearts' courage.  But still IT IS HARD!!!

So then I think of it from a parent's perspective...when I tell my kids to wait, why am I doing that?  Usually, it's because I know the timing isn't right.  I know that it'll be so much more rewarding if the situation were just slightly different.   From something as simple as waiting to watch the movie until you've finished reading the book....you'll enjoy it SO much more!  To something as sensible as waiting to get your license until you are confident and ready and legal...haha!  Maybe even something as clinical as waiting to take that medicine because the timing isn't right and it would do more harm than good.  Or something as emotional as waiting on love, it will be so worth it when it's right and good.

And so I wait, not just because I have to, but because I'm trusting Him with my whole life knowing He knows so much better than I do.  I close my eyes, breathe, and trust that He knows what He's doing.  I step back from the rush and the angst and let God.  He's got this!  I don't need to be in control this time.  I don't need to know exactly what step is coming next if I believe He knows it and is the one in control.  May my heart push aside the unrest and may He fill up the rest.  And may y'all pray for me, cause I'm a little impatient. ;-)


But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.  (Isa. 40:31)

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! (Psm. 27:14)

Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and the late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand. (Jms. 5:7-8)

I didn’t know....But God did!

Five years ago the Lord added to our family. Yes, we found out darling number five was on her way, but what we didn’t know at that time was that God had two other family members He was gifting us.  Olin and Angela Hudson joined our congregation, our family, and changed our lives forever.

What I didn’t know when they arrived was that my family and I desperately needed them. I didn’t realize at the time that they would become adopted grandparents to all of my children. I didn’t fathom that they would become confidantes and closest friends.  I had no clue...but God did.  He saw our need.  He saw the encouragement and the strength we desired before we even acknowledged it.  He saw how our hearts needed stretching and picked the perfect ones. God looked down on this little family in Texas and hand picked them, For our Father knew our need before we even asked Him (Matthew 6:8).

I praise God for supplying our need through His riches in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19) .  I thank God for the gift we found in His precious servants, the Hudsons.

Now today, my heart weeps with the loss of Olin from our physical lives. I do not know what to pray, what to express! May He hear these groanings too deep for words (Rom. 8:26).

What I don’t know now is why.  Doesn’t He know we needed him?  I cannot fathom the impact this loss will have on our hearts forever.  I do not understand how we will be able to continue without being able to confide and be with our precious friend.  I have no clue!!!

But God does!

He knows our need. God sees our broken hearts and knows exactly what we need even before we do.
Dear Lord, give us courage to trust you.  Give us faith to be confident you will supply.
Father, thank you for a hero who fought the good fight, finished the race, and kept the faith.  Thank you for letting us know and love Olin, a man who walked with you. Praise be to God for sharing him with us.  Praise God we will meet again and never, ever have to say goodbye.

Living in Fear

This year has been full of so many terrifying things....hurricanes wiping entire cities off of their feet... tragic pointless shootings taking lives in the blink of an eye at schools, movie theaters, malls, concerts, and even churches.  Is nothing safe? Is any location or activity out of harm's way?  What are we to do to protect ourselves???

My first reaction today at the news of Las Vegas, my hometown, was No Concerts EVER!!! But now I sit back, breathe, and pray.  I'm reminded of the encouraging words of Paul, "For God did not give us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  This spirit of fearfulness and doubt is not what we are called to do.  Jesus himself warned us that we should "not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul."  I'm not supposed to instill in my children (or myself for that matter) a fear of all the things that can go wrong.  I shouldn't hide away fearing what could and might happen.  Yes, I can exercise caution, but not fearfulness.  Not fearfulness when there is power, love and sound mind.

As we drove through town this evening, my son asked me what event caused the flags to be at half mast.  I explained about the heartbreaking sadness of evil taking the lives of the innocent and how the whole nation is mourning for them.  In my reflections on the pointless loss and pain,  the rest of Jesus' warning came to mind, "Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell."  The true evil one is out there, disguised in many ways, searching whom he can devour.  And yet, when he attacks, when his victims fall, often we don't mourn for them.  We don't put up an outward show of flags at half mast for another soul who has fallen prey or weep because a life is no longer thriving.  How would we react if every time we fell to his evils, everyone heard...everyone mourned?  How would we feel if each time we slipped, everyone prayed for our lost life, prayed for another chance for us...for more time?  Wouldn't we live more cautiously?  Wouldn't we be looking out, living, but being more on guard, full of caution?

I mourn for all of these losses of life in both the body and the spirit.  My heart and my prayers ache for them and their families.  May God continue to give us strength in this world and the one to come.  And may we each put on the full armor of God as we face the true fear that is out there.

20 Things I Learned From My Grandmas

 Oh, how I miss my grandmothers!  They left my life way too soon.  I feel like if they were here now, I would treasure them more than I ever did before in all my years put together.  Even though they are gone from this world, those beautiful women left their mark on me.  In the short years they were here being an active vital part of my life, they taught me things that will be with me forever.

I could probably write books on their fascinating honorable lives, but here is a sampling of their lessons I carry with me daily.

1. The journey of the treasure hunt is even more memorable than the found treasure.

2. Baking soda and hydrogen peroxide are great for your smile.

3. It's not about eating the taffy, it's about the fun in pulling the taffy together as a family.

4. Shoes can make you feel pretty and they help to dress up any outfit.

5.  Playing on the floor is how you build the foundation of communication for many years to come.

6.  Handwritten letters send a piece of yourself to your loved ones that they will read, stare at, smell, and hold close to their hearts.

7.  Teasing your hair actually has a purpose - finally volume!

8. Always find the humor, even if you've heard the story one zillion times.

9.  Pulling out the good china isn't just for holidays.

10.  Have essential ingredients always on hand for a quick and easy meal.  This way you will be able
to open your home to others whenever needed.

11.  Hugging makes everyone feel better.  Look for those who need one.

12.  Forgiveness and silence at the right moments bring survival and peace.

13. Have a nightly set apart time for your favorite show or delicious book so that all day you can look forward to it.

14.  Putting God first sets an example for generations, even if you think no one is noticing.

15.  Knowing someone's favorite food/drink and having it available when they come to visit shows them your love, forethought, and how special they are to your heart.

16.  Outward beauty takes work, upkeep, and practice.  Inward beauty takes even more work, upkeep, and practice.

17.  There's no such thing as a stranger; speak to everyone with love, knowing they are actual people with souls and lives of their own.  We are all children of God.

18. Demonstrate true love and concern for others by listening when spoken to.  Then remember it, and follow up; show them that what they confided in you matters.

19. Share your stories and history as much as you can, for it will be missed and longed for when you cannot.

20.  Never stop voicing your love.  Hearing you are loved never gets old.

ADDENDUM: In looking for these pictures of my grandmothers, I realized they were SO young! And my mother was even YOUNGER than I am now.  Wow!  It made me realize my legacy has already begun.  May the eyes who are watching my daily moves see even a fraction of the good that I saw in my godly mother and grandmothers.