Unabashed Enthusiasm

 One of the things I absolutely treasure about my six year old  at this age is her unabashed enthusiasm for EVERYTHING!  We're going to Trader Joe's..."Yippee! That store is so fun! I can't wait to find the parrot!" or we play a game of Slap Jack..."Awesome! I rock this game!"  Even blowing bubbles is filled with hilarious contagious laughter as she and Obi jump and race to pop as many as they possibly can.  Often at the end of the day, she reports that this was the very best day, and wow! does that make every moment worth it to me.

My older ones and I still have joy and enthusiasm, but as folks grow older for some reason we tend to muffle it a bit more.  I've found that teens especially are guarded with showing this emotion  They may be cheering and doing cartwheels on the inside, but their outsides say "Cool!" and then go back to their screens.  They may be excited and counting down the days, but they'd never let on that they already have their outfit and hairstyle picked out and planned for the coming big event.  

Maybe this is why I still am so stinking excited about the Christmas holiday.  Even though my older ones are cool and collected about most things, each one still breaks out in a huge beautiful smile when they see their special ornament coming out of the box ready to go on the tree.  They still make certain that every Christmas painting from the past years is up on the wall.  They are already checking with me to make sure that I plan on buying Great Grandma's Bon Bon ingredients to make together like we do every year.  

I love their joy and enthusiasm!  I love their anticipation, their longing for special times together, and that glisten in their eyes.  It makes my heart smile to know that they feel the love that's been poured into all of those things across the years.  I truly treasure my time with them. They are so precious to me!

What Was That?

It is such a surreal adventure watching your littles suddenly become bigs.  The roller coaster of emotions and drama is a constant unexpected ride of laughter and tears over here.  One minute to the next is a whirlwind of guessing and learning to go with the flow.  As I have a house of teens now, I find myself puzzling over: What just happened?!  What did that even mean?! and What was that?

What was that facial expression?  Disgust, puzzlement, confusion, annoyance?!  I really don't want to misinterpret, but that was most definitely something!

What was that tone of voice?  Humor, sarcasm, disrespect, self-expression?  I know what I think it was, but did my hard of hearing ears hear exactly what I think I heard?

What was that silence? no response?  Maybe I wasn't heard; maybe I was, but there was no answer. Maybe there was a choice not to hear or even a choice not to respond?  And how do I deal with that...risk repeating? let it lie?  walk away?  address it head on?

What was that hug?  A need for closeness, a forced acknowledgement, an appreciation, a beautiful display of affection?  Whatever it was, you can bet I'll take it!

What was that long emotional retelling of events?  Asking for advice, just wanting to be heard, needing help, sharing in love?  No matter...Yes, Please! Bring it! Share always!

I may not know what is what.  I may interpret incorrectly.  I may not even respond in the best way at the time.  But you can betcha I am trying.  I am loving.  I am learning.  I am mothering.  But the main thing I'm doing is praying.  I'm just me...finite, fully devoted heart but never going to be all knowing.

So I beg the Good Lord for guidance.  He's the perfect parent who has the full heart and all the know hows.  He knows exactly what in the world that was.  He knows exactly what happened and why it happened.  He knows what is needed and what is best.  I'm so needy for His love, understanding, forgiveness, and guidance.  What a gift to have Him looking out for and loving me.

By His grace, I was given these five precious souls to raise.  I was chosen to be their momma.  I pray they'll have grace and patience with me.  I hope that someday they'll look back on all of the craziness
and thank God that they have me looking out for them and loving them to pieces.

Shut Doors and Text Messages

 Life is different with teens.  I totally expected it would be, and yet I TOTALLY didn't expect some of the surprises.  In referring to these unexpected changes, I shall kindly use the word "adjustments" because so many other words that come to mind just don't have quite the same gentle ring to them.  

One of the adjustments that took me by surprise was the shut door.  Sure, I remember being a teen and wanting my privacy, closing a door so I could hear myself think or listen to music not everyone else in my house was keen on listening to for the 15th time that day.  But shut doors are everywhere!  I walk upstairs to a shut bathroom door, shower running and an incredibly beautiful song being belted out behind it.  Down the hall is another shut door to a room recently emptied by my oldest moving to college (sniff, sniff...not even going to think about going there right now).   Next to it, there's another shut door with a nerf basketball swooshing the net and slamming the door over and over again.  And yet around the other way, a door closed with only the silence of deep studying going on behind it.  All of these doors are to be expected.  All of these shut doors are even necessary.  Privacy, independence, it's all part of life.  I know this.  But oh how my momma heart longs to find those doors occasionally open and beckoning me to come in.  Remember when they were little and didn't want the door shut?  Remember when they needed it open to know you were still there?

And then...my phone dings (or rather jams to Back in Black because I'm an adult and I can..haha) and they open a new unexpected door for me.  One needs help on math, or wonders where the clean towels went, another wants to know what time dinner is, can I pick them up, or even just says hey and sends a fun message.  Anyone care to guess what this does?  This busts my heart right open and makes me smile!  They reach out in their own way, and me as their lucky momma jumps all over that!  I will take the text door and use it to get right in there behind that other shut one. 

Because when it comes down to it, no matter how they reach out, they reach out.  Whether it be what I envisioned or not, I'm going to seize that moment and soak it in.  I pray God helps me not focus on the closed doors that feel like distance between and see the text message for the stretched out hand and heart that it is.

Renovations

 I've decided to update my blog.  I may not be the mom of a handful of wee-ones anymore.  But there are a couple of things that I most definitely still am:  a mom of a handful of absolutely amazing children and a child of God with a heart full of the joy He brings me through these five incredible blessings.

So this is a warning that my topics may be refocused, just as my very life has been.  There have been so many adjustments over the last two years.  Simply put, life as I knew it changed.  I now no longer live in Georgia, or New Jersey, or even in Texas, but have come to land in Florida.  I no longer solely homeschool, but now have one in college, two in private high school, one in private middle school, and one schooling at home with me.  We moved into a house, moved out to completely renovate the house, and then moved back in to make it our home.  All of these and so many more changes have stretched me in ways that I don't even know how to express. Not only has it been a transition of place, environment, culture, people, home, and church but a complete renovating of who I am as a mother.

Thus, the blog will renovate with me.  I plan to share how being a mom of teenagers and preteens and a little lady brings about so many unexpected challenges but also so many overwhelming blessings.  I'm not exactly sure what that will look like or what I'll be allowed to say and share, as certain individuals are now old enough to read my posts, but somehow I hope that through writing I will remind myself, and anyone else out there floundering in a sea of transition, just how our Father treasures and teaches through all of this beautiful chaos.

Me? Chill?!?!

After sending these photos of my day to a certain sibling of mine, a text showed up on my phone asking how I can be “so chill” as a parent.  I seriously thought the message had been sent to the wrong person.  I had to take a few minutes to let that observation of me and my parenting sink in.  Chill???  Who? Me?!?!  

I’m the mom who is constantly saying, “Be careful!” “Watch out!” “I don’t think that’s a good idea!”  I am the mom whom my kids claim is the most strict in the entire state of Florida.  Aren’t I the one who still checks every single night to make sure each and every one of them is still breathing?!  

But then I saw myself and how much I’ve actually eased.  I’m now the mom who lets her kids walk through the neighborhood alone, allows them to bike distances exploring their new town,  and encourages them to cook yummy dinners and delicious desserts all on their own.  Man, sometimes I even ask my girl to DRIVE! I’ve become the mom I used to look at wide-eyed and jaw-dropped thinking there's no way I'll ever be able to let mine grow up like that.

Suddenly it hit me...I haven't really changed; I’m doing the very same thing I have always done.  As parents, we teach our kids through baby steps. We may teach them to eat, to crawl, to walk, to ride a bike...all the while watching them like a hawk, showing them the parameters for them to do it safely, and then letting them go...watching them learn, master, and glow all on their own, with us gushing about their accomplishments and gently nudging them a little further each time.  It's just that now my kids are mastering different skills...how to be responsible, independent, cautious, beautiful young adults.  I’m still doing the overly cautious parenting thing, shouting my warnings as they walk out the door, checking to make sure they arrived safely, but I’m doing it on a whole new crazy level.  And every step of the way, I'm singing their praises, telling them what a great job they're doing, but also trying to easily lean them into trying again in a slightly more thought out way.

And so, to my sibling who totally boosted my ego, and to all the mamas and papas feeling overwhelmed, and to myself when tomorrow I'm back to pulling my hair out and trying to catch my breath, remember to take it one moment at a time, baby steps.  When you lie in bed each night, utterly exhausted from chasing around your lovelies (whether they be toddlers or teens), reflect on all of the things you did right and those things you should try to do better tomorrow, marvel that somehow those kiddos who've been entrusted to you lived through another day, and thank God for blessing you with your heart full of your handful.

Seriously...What In The World?!

What in the world is going on, y'all?! This world is a different place than it was a year ago, a month ago, and even just yesterday!  This whole thing can be totally intimidating and downright terrifying to a person.  I look at these five kiddos looking back at me with their big puppy dog eyes asking all innocent-like, "What's the plan for tomorrow?"  and sometimes I just bluntly want to say, "What do you think the plan is? The same old thing it's been for the last 24 days!"  But how depressing is that?!

One of my girls told me the other day that she honestly believes I'm loving this.  I was floored!  How on earth could I be loving being stuck home all day every day?  But then, it hit me...I'm kind of loving this...kind of hating this....if I'm completely honest, it's a love/hate thing I've got going on. 

It hasn't been easy trying to keep everyone entertained, schooled, fed, or even sane for that matter.  These kids seem to think they need to eat meals every day and then graze all of the hours in between.  They want to play electronics 24/7 (and shhh! so do I).  Believe it or not, even homeschooling has taken on a different feel.

One of the most trying things about this time is that there are so many unknowns.  We don't know when this quarantine will be lifted or if it will be reinstated down the road.  We don't know the exacts of how this virus is spreading or even exhibiting itself with different carriers and patients.  We don't know how our economy will be effected or how life will change because of this.  I feel like we've been living in this realm of "IF."  If camp is still going to happen, if the roads between states don't get closed,  if no one in our family gets it...if, if, if.

And so I'm learning in a whole new way, I am still not in control.  I don't know what the future will bring.  I have no clue of what answers to give my kids on more than half of their questions.  However, I'm also learning in a whole new beautiful way, that God is absolutely in control.

He knows what's going on.  He knows what's going to happen through this and after this.  In all of those humongous situations throughout history, He was right there...knowing, loving, and blessing.  We are seriously living in this unbelievable point of history right here, right now!!!  He knows how our lives and the lives of our children will be changed by this experience.  He knows how our hearts will be shaped by the unique fears and hopes that we are dealing with right now.  He can use the terrors and disappointments to show us the things we weren't noticing before...the things that were right in front of our eyes but we were too busy to slow down and enjoy.

It's okay to be scared, as long as we're searching for Him through the fear.  It's okay to mourn, as long as we're reaching out for His hand to comfort.  It's perfectly fine to question why, as long as we keep on believing and trusting that He knows that answer.  It may not be the answer we're hoping and praying for, but He's got us.  We know that!  We know He loves!

So when my kids ask me once again tonight what another tomorrow of quarantine will hold for us, I'm going to say....actually, who knows what I'm going to say (ha, ha!).  What I do know is that I'll hug them tight and remind them that I love them madly and that we are all in this together with the Lord as our shepherd. No matter how the world changes, those two things are constant.

Can You Hear Me Now?

In the last few months, I've been going a lot of different directions.  In all of the chaos and transitions of moving, I may or may not have been a bit of a distracted listener.  I still listened, I still heard, but I multi-tasked.  Life was happening. 

I thought I was doing pretty good until the other day the kids were telling me something and I was absolutely shocked.  They all looked at me with expressions of "Oh, brother!"  Finally one said, "Mom, we told you this.  You even answered and said...."  What in the world?! Am I losing my mind?  I've been claiming pregnancy brain for my forgetfulness for quite a while now, but that ship sailed away going on 5 years ago. Haha!  Maybe I just wasn't attending when they had told me the last time.

I decided right then and there on the spot, that my listening skills simply must change!  When they talk, I will listen.  When they share, I'm diving in fully.  When they ramble, I may usher them along with speed-it-along questions, but I am definitely going to hear with both ears.  It's a bit time consuming, to be quite honest.  While one is pouring out their heart, four others are in line awaiting, chores are piling up, texts and timers are being ignored, and life is going on.  BUT I'm listening!

Have you ever been talking to someone while they are looking at their phone, or saying "uh-huh" mindlessly?  Simply put...t's heartbreaking.  Sure they may be listening and wanting you to talk, but in all seriousness, doesn't it totally feel like there is something much more pressing and urgent than anything you have to share?  Doesn't it make you and what you are sharing seem trivial and insignificant?!  Those kids are so exceptionally important to me; may I never be the cause of them feeling that way! Sure life is busy, but if they want me to hear something then I absolutely want to hear it...exactly when they need me to!

One of the things I love about prayer is that it happens exactly when you need it.  God totally hears and encourages you to tell Him everything on your heart.  He's not saying only do it at meals.  Or hold that thought til right before bed.  He's saying, tell me everything....always.  What a comfort to know that my thoughts, my feelings, my daily happenings, my concerns, my thanksgivings, my fears, my sorrows....my everything is important and urgent to Him.

I want to be that kind of parent.  I want them to know that I want to know everything.  I want them to feel like no matter how mundane or important, I am waiting to hear and anxious for them to share. I hope when something stupendously joyful happens to them, they immediately think,
"Just wait til I tell mom."  And I hope one of the first things they feel when they are in trouble or in a tight spot is not I hope mom doesn't find out, but "I totally need to tell my mom."

Life is too short to let all those other distractions take precedent.  Open my ears, Lord, so I can hear.