Living on the Fringe

Do you ever feel like you're being pulled in a billion different directions?  I remember those days when I had 5 littles literally hanging from my arms and legs needing my attention. Now days, they still do, but in different ways....play with me, help me with math, come see what I can do with this ball, I need a ride, can I borrow your credit card, etc., etc.  Don't get me wrong, I love being needed!  I just wish I had the power to be all that they needed, all of the time.  

Isn't the way children need their mother just how we're supposed to be needing Jesus?  We may think we've got it on our own, but each of us is just stumbling along, facing our own individual trials and challenges, needing to touch the fringe of His garment.

Today I'm reminded of Jesus getting off the boat with people of all sorts waiting for Him and all wanting different things...the rulers, the poverty stricken, the sick....wanting to catch Him, wanting to be taught, wanting to be healed.  All of the crowd were just hovering, following, eager for how Jesus could help them.  Then there's that one desperate woman, the one who has been doing all she knows how to do on her own for twelve long painful years.  She's used up all of her money.  She's cried all of her tears.  She's been outcast and alone. Then she hears of a Savior and BELIEVES, knowing that she can't do this life anymore on her own.  She pushes past the throng, everyone shrinking away from her uncleanness, uncomfortable with who she is, wanting no part.  She pushes back the fear of more rejection.  She reaches out her desperate hand...and touches the fringe.

What happens next is what makes this such a beautiful story.  Jesus doesn't just casually acknowledge her.  He doesn't just keep walking.  He stops.  He finds her.  And he listens to her "whole story."  He lets the others wait.  He will get to them.  Right then, she needed him and He shows her that He truly cares.

Why is it that I forget this? Why do I think maybe He's too busy or maybe He hears but He's just not that interested?  In scripture, Jesus over and over again says and demonstrates that He truly cares.  In my life, He's done the same thing. He shows me over and over again just how much He loves me.

May my children know that no matter how busy life is, how much I'm needed here and there, I've got them and I always and forever want to listen.  I truly love and care.  And may being a mom to these precious ones remind me that if I keep that faith in Him that no matter how alone, how scared, how desperate I feel that I can push past all that extra stuff in the way and reach out to the fringe of His garment.  He truly cares, loves, and anxiously wants to listen.

I Fell in the Water They Walked On

Have you ever seen other parents doing everything right? They have the answers. They have the well behaved kids to prove they know what they’re doing. They have the smiles and encouragements. And then you see yourself, a big hot mess of fumbles just smiling along trying your best.  I feel like they’re walking on water, and I’m down here doing the backstroke.

In the Old Testament there’s this king named Rehoboam who was given advice by the elders, but instead he consulted his inexperienced peers and all sorts of bad consequences followed.  I’ve often thought of him on my parenting journey. In one ear, I’ve got these older examples and friends leading and advising how to do this parenting thing and then in my other ear I’ve got this world of social media and propaganda blaring that I’ve got it all wrong.

  I’ve seen a lot of parents doing their thing, crossing those bridges before I get to them.  I’ve witnessed them letting go as their children age out of the house.  I’ve heard them discuss and advise their children as they face new challenges.  I’ve talked with them, asked questions, and listened to the wisdom they’ve gleaned from running the track before me. They don’t all do it the same, but most of the ones I know are doing it beautifully, even though they themselves would say they’re just getting by, winging it.

I’ve also heard and read so much advice and recommendations from articles, online reading, and various sources of news.  It’s not in line with what I’m seeing play out in real life. It’s telling me to let go of my kids and let them live how they want. It’s advising me not to advise them.  It’s warning against discipline and instruction. It’s guilting me into believing that rules, parameters, and parenting really are just limiting children, and taking away their freedoms and happiness.

Who do I listen to? Which team is right? Boy, do I wrestle with each obstacle that arises.  So I do what any logical person would do when under pressure to make tough decisions….I drink a coffee. 😂

In seriousness though, I look at the results…the kids being raised. I see my friends, who have held the line, kept the rules, stayed down on their knees in prayer daily and their children are BEAUTIFUL; they’ve actually grown into well rounded breathtakingly bright and gracious adults.  They're the kind of people you want to be around more…the kind you want your kids to look up to and be like.  Sadly, I’ve witnessed the opposite, too; either parents let loose of the reigns too early or the children just decided to jump the fence and go their own way. Whatever the case, I want to heed the elders’ advice and keep with it, no matter how hard that may be. I want my children to be like Jesus and better this world for Him. In the end, it’s their choice how to live, but you better believe I’m going to try my best to give them a fighting chance and a strong foundation.

I try to walk on water like my friends seem to be doing, making good decisions, parenting in love and patience, but I’ll be honest, I keep slipping in.  I make mistakes, but I keep getting back up again.   I’m so thankful for friends and family who grab my hand and pull me back up, remind me why I’m doing this, remind me to keep my eyes on Christ, help me see His way is best for myself and for my kids. May we all keep our heads above water and our eyes on the one who has all of the answers. Thankfully, He is loyal and gracious. He’s got us, and together we’ve got them.

Remembering

I’ve moved around a lot. Four times before college, then the moves during college, and THEN seven times since marriage (nine if you count moving during renovations, and believe you me, I most definitely count those:-). That’s a lot of places.  That’s a whole lot of people coming in and out of my life. Some have stuck around, kept in touch, still reach out. Some have slowly stepped into the background but still are very much present in my heart. All have affected me in some way.

Looking back, I see such value in those God chose to bring into my life, all for a certain time, a certain reason. I may not be the best at keeping in touch but that doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely treasure those friendships and memories. 

Today, I remember. I remember great joy and laughter. I remember heartache and tears.  I reminisce on conversations and outings.  I think of how we planned, carried out, reflected back, and prayed forward. 

 So many women gave me foundation, teaching me with their words, their parenting, their wrestlings and victories.  They all taught me, whether they knew it or not. I watched. I listened. I learned. And now, I remember them. Thank you!

So many children gave me inspiration, supposedly being taught by me, but doing a great deal of teaching themselves. They loved openly, fully, felt their feelings and let me feel right along with them. How I treasure all those littles and bigs that I’ve been graced to know. How I pray they know how important and loved they are even now. Thank you!

I don’t know what old acquaintances will come back into my life (in this fairytale land of Florida College, I’m sure its more than I ever expected) and what new ones are waiting in the balance about to enter the stage, but I’m so thankful for each one and the part they play in this life of mine.  I’m thankful for the way they helped me and my children grow. I’m thankful for the ways they’ll continue to bring me closer to my life goal of heaven.

Today I remember because my heart misses.  I miss those who live far away; how I wish I could pull them close. I miss those who I’ll not see again because of distance or circumstances.  And oh how I miss terribly the ones who have passed on before me.  Losing a loved one in death is so much more difficult than losing them in a move. We can say it’s similar for we’ll see them again someday on the other side. But we know it is different. They’re not waiting for a text or email.  We’re not getting that Christmas card or phone call. That part hurts like mad. Thankfully, God grants us an amazing gift if we let Him, a memory to feel the love…to remember that touch, that laugh, that meal we ate together, that field trip we took, that craft we decorated, that inside joke we cracked up about, that hug that held my heart and never let go.  Today I reflect on those good times and hold them close in my heart.  I miss. I love. I remember.

Knocking the Air Out

 Have you ever been going along having your day when one person comes along and with one quick conversation just casually knocks the air right out of you? Perhaps they’re having a bad day and can’t keep it to themselves. Perhaps they don’t realize they affect you more than they do. Whatever the reason, words can hurt.  How do you rise above that? How do you take a deep breath and move on without obsessing and being down? I don’t have that answer; I know with prayer and patience and counting blessings you’re off to a good start. But an even more important question is how do you make sure you don’t do that to someone else?  I want to make sure my words don’t punch someone in the gut. I want to know that after I cross someone’s path, I’ve actually been a blessing to them, boosting them up, that I haven’t been an obstacle that only brought them down. As a child, I had to memorize a verse that has stuck with me throughout my life, “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt.” My mom taught us to practice this with each other, even when the message we had to say wasn’t an uplifting one. We may have nothing nice to say, but if we need to say something, we better make sure it’s delivered with kindness. Whether I’m talking to an adult or to one of my own children, may I speak to them with respect and kindness. My behavior and words are not only a reflection of who I am, but also of Him who expects me to be reflecting His light.

The Strength of Siblings

 One of my most favorite gifts in life is that my parents were brave and bold enough to have five kids. I have the best siblings. They have been with me since as far back as I can remember. And even now, though many of us are states apart, they are still my support and joy.

Many thought me crazy,  but I was granted five beautiful kiddos of my own.  They bless me constantly and my heart is so full because of them. One of the very best things I absolutely love about having a big family is that my kiddos have life long friends automatically built in to their lives.

For years now, I have encouraged them to foster that relationship, to work through their battles, to rise above challenges and lean on each other. From minute to minute, they may be worst enemies or the best of friends. But through all the minutes, they have each other. And that is a pure gift from God!

Although I see them embracing it with Sister Brother Day celebrations, birthdays, holidays, and vacations, I now see them truly leaning on each other daily.  They share their secrets and give each other advice.  They tell each other things they need to say, but are hesitant to share with mom. There’s a piece of me that wants in on that.  Oh how I’d love to listen and hear all the things, but then I remember.  This is one of the gifts of having a sibling. My brother and sisters  are experts at it, and now my kids are becoming that to each other.

Sure we all have our differences and may never see eye to eye on everything, but thank God we have each other. Whether brothers and sisters by genetics or marriage, or by Christ, He uniquely made us with all our differences and similarities and we can compliment each other and be stronger together. Thank you to all the sisters and brothers God’s graciously put in my life who actively check in on me and help me through. I couldn’t do this life without you!

Things I Learned From Being My Son’s Crash-Test Goalie

 

Sometimes my son likes to go to the field and practice soccer. I see him out there kicking the ball with all his might, then chasing it down, and starting all over. Today I offered to be his goalie. Here are a few things I learned from the experience:

1. Whether I blocked the ball or not, he was thrilled I was playing. Just like with my girls in math, I may not be an expert, but I’m going to make myself available and work hard beside them to give them the support they need. I’ll search for the answer. I’ll ask an expert. I’ll throw myself in front of a speeding ball. Whatever it takes, my kids will know I’m there next to them, trying.

2. He’s got a powerful kick. The strength I see in that boy, both physically and emotionally, always impresses me.  Both on the field and off, he puts himself out there. He doesn’t let magnitude or intimidation deter him. He runs towards what is important to him in all aspects of his life. I want to have his fervor!

3. Flailing your hand out there in front of that 5000 mph ball is just plain foolish. I may see it coming. I may think I can, but unless I’ve got the right equipment, support behind me, and wisdom in the how-to, it’s only going to hurt.  I need to apply this to the obstacles spiraling at me, get myself equipped and ready, then make sure I’ve got the support to make a successful effort. This isn’t to say, don’t try….it’s saying, get ready becasue we all know those “balls” are coming.

4. Time and presence go miles to let him know I care for him. And frankly, I feel love the same way.  He thanks me for coming to his games, for taking him to practice, and for talking with him forever before bed. I know it matters to him, so it’s something we prioritize together. I know he’s a teen boy and that might not last, but as long as I can, I’m going to make it top of my list of to do’s.

5. Man! I love that boy!  God is so good to let us see Him in all the different ways. When I look at my kids, I see God’s grace and love. I see his wisdom and power.  I see that He is merciful to even me, and somehow put faith in the fact that with His help I could.  May He see my efforts and grant me wisdom in all he entrusted me. Momming these precious souls is such a beautiful intimidating and exhilarating responsibility. 

Unabashed Enthusiasm

 One of the things I absolutely treasure about my six year old  at this age is her unabashed enthusiasm for EVERYTHING!  We're going to Trader Joe's..."Yippee! That store is so fun! I can't wait to find the parrot!" or we play a game of Slap Jack..."Awesome! I rock this game!"  Even blowing bubbles is filled with hilarious contagious laughter as she and Obi jump and race to pop as many as they possibly can.  Often at the end of the day, she reports that this was the very best day, and wow! does that make every moment worth it to me.

My older ones and I still have joy and enthusiasm, but as folks grow older for some reason we tend to muffle it a bit more.  I've found that teens especially are guarded with showing this emotion  They may be cheering and doing cartwheels on the inside, but their outsides say "Cool!" and then go back to their screens.  They may be excited and counting down the days, but they'd never let on that they already have their outfit and hairstyle picked out and planned for the coming big event.  

Maybe this is why I still am so stinking excited about the Christmas holiday.  Even though my older ones are cool and collected about most things, each one still breaks out in a huge beautiful smile when they see their special ornament coming out of the box ready to go on the tree.  They still make certain that every Christmas painting from the past years is up on the wall.  They are already checking with me to make sure that I plan on buying Great Grandma's Bon Bon ingredients to make together like we do every year.  

I love their joy and enthusiasm!  I love their anticipation, their longing for special times together, and that glisten in their eyes.  It makes my heart smile to know that they feel the love that's been poured into all of those things across the years.  I truly treasure my time with them. They are so precious to me!

What Was That?

It is such a surreal adventure watching your littles suddenly become bigs.  The roller coaster of emotions and drama is a constant unexpected ride of laughter and tears over here.  One minute to the next is a whirlwind of guessing and learning to go with the flow.  As I have a house of teens now, I find myself puzzling over: What just happened?!  What did that even mean?! and What was that?

What was that facial expression?  Disgust, puzzlement, confusion, annoyance?!  I really don't want to misinterpret, but that was most definitely something!

What was that tone of voice?  Humor, sarcasm, disrespect, self-expression?  I know what I think it was, but did my hard of hearing ears hear exactly what I think I heard?

What was that silence? no response?  Maybe I wasn't heard; maybe I was, but there was no answer. Maybe there was a choice not to hear or even a choice not to respond?  And how do I deal with that...risk repeating? let it lie?  walk away?  address it head on?

What was that hug?  A need for closeness, a forced acknowledgement, an appreciation, a beautiful display of affection?  Whatever it was, you can bet I'll take it!

What was that long emotional retelling of events?  Asking for advice, just wanting to be heard, needing help, sharing in love?  No matter...Yes, Please! Bring it! Share always!

I may not know what is what.  I may interpret incorrectly.  I may not even respond in the best way at the time.  But you can betcha I am trying.  I am loving.  I am learning.  I am mothering.  But the main thing I'm doing is praying.  I'm just me...finite, fully devoted heart but never going to be all knowing.

So I beg the Good Lord for guidance.  He's the perfect parent who has the full heart and all the know hows.  He knows exactly what in the world that was.  He knows exactly what happened and why it happened.  He knows what is needed and what is best.  I'm so needy for His love, understanding, forgiveness, and guidance.  What a gift to have Him looking out for and loving me.

By His grace, I was given these five precious souls to raise.  I was chosen to be their momma.  I pray they'll have grace and patience with me.  I hope that someday they'll look back on all of the craziness
and thank God that they have me looking out for them and loving them to pieces.

Shut Doors and Text Messages

 Life is different with teens.  I totally expected it would be, and yet I TOTALLY didn't expect some of the surprises.  In referring to these unexpected changes, I shall kindly use the word "adjustments" because so many other words that come to mind just don't have quite the same gentle ring to them.  

One of the adjustments that took me by surprise was the shut door.  Sure, I remember being a teen and wanting my privacy, closing a door so I could hear myself think or listen to music not everyone else in my house was keen on listening to for the 15th time that day.  But shut doors are everywhere!  I walk upstairs to a shut bathroom door, shower running and an incredibly beautiful song being belted out behind it.  Down the hall is another shut door to a room recently emptied by my oldest moving to college (sniff, sniff...not even going to think about going there right now).   Next to it, there's another shut door with a nerf basketball swooshing the net and slamming the door over and over again.  And yet around the other way, a door closed with only the silence of deep studying going on behind it.  All of these doors are to be expected.  All of these shut doors are even necessary.  Privacy, independence, it's all part of life.  I know this.  But oh how my momma heart longs to find those doors occasionally open and beckoning me to come in.  Remember when they were little and didn't want the door shut?  Remember when they needed it open to know you were still there?

And then...my phone dings (or rather jams to Back in Black because I'm an adult and I can..haha) and they open a new unexpected door for me.  One needs help on math, or wonders where the clean towels went, another wants to know what time dinner is, can I pick them up, or even just says hey and sends a fun message.  Anyone care to guess what this does?  This busts my heart right open and makes me smile!  They reach out in their own way, and me as their lucky momma jumps all over that!  I will take the text door and use it to get right in there behind that other shut one. 

Because when it comes down to it, no matter how they reach out, they reach out.  Whether it be what I envisioned or not, I'm going to seize that moment and soak it in.  I pray God helps me not focus on the closed doors that feel like distance between and see the text message for the stretched out hand and heart that it is.

Renovations

 I've decided to update my blog.  I may not be the mom of a handful of wee-ones anymore.  But there are a couple of things that I most definitely still am:  a mom of a handful of absolutely amazing children and a child of God with a heart full of the joy He brings me through these five incredible blessings.

So this is a warning that my topics may be refocused, just as my very life has been.  There have been so many adjustments over the last two years.  Simply put, life as I knew it changed.  I now no longer live in Georgia, or New Jersey, or even in Texas, but have come to land in Florida.  I no longer solely homeschool, but now have one in college, two in private high school, one in private middle school, and one schooling at home with me.  We moved into a house, moved out to completely renovate the house, and then moved back in to make it our home.  All of these and so many more changes have stretched me in ways that I don't even know how to express. Not only has it been a transition of place, environment, culture, people, home, and church but a complete renovating of who I am as a mother.

Thus, the blog will renovate with me.  I plan to share how being a mom of teenagers and preteens and a little lady brings about so many unexpected challenges but also so many overwhelming blessings.  I'm not exactly sure what that will look like or what I'll be allowed to say and share, as certain individuals are now old enough to read my posts, but somehow I hope that through writing I will remind myself, and anyone else out there floundering in a sea of transition, just how our Father treasures and teaches through all of this beautiful chaos.